Drown My Sorrows
by Lioness Black
Summary: Tess's thoughts during and after the final scene of "Departure."


**Title:** Drown My Sorrows   
**Author:** Lioness   
**Rating:** PG-13   
**Legal Stuff:** Roswell doesn't belong to me. It should, but it doesn't.   
**Spoilers:** Departure   
**Note:** This, I think, is the last Roswell fanfic I'll write that isn't in a series. I don't like the show anymore. I've lost all respect for the writers, producers and whatever else there is. I won't be further watching the show. Thank you.   
This story was inspired by No Motiv's "The Waiting Hurt." The lyrics used are used without permission.   
**Dedication:** This story is dedicated to Emilie DeRavin (thought I doubt she'll read it) and all of the other people who are taking the step out and boycotting the show with me.   
__________________________________________________________________________________________________ 

As I looked at Max I realized, I didn't have anything left here. I had to put my emotional baggage behind me and go. I just didn't want them all thinking of me, remembering me like this. 

They didn't know that I didn't have anything to do with that deal Nasedo made. He made it forty years ago, twenty-nine years before I ever saw Earth. I just can't understand why the hell I went through with it. 

They betrayed Nasedo, and I betrayed Max, Michael, Isabel, Kyle, Maria, Valenti, Liz, and especially Alex. God, why the hell did I do it? I just can't fathom what had been going through my mind. It was like Nasedo had a mind warp on _me_, that was going out even past the grave. 

I looked at the clock. Only seconds to go. I could feel tears brimming at my eyes. I couldn't let Max see them. I wonder if he said something. I couldn't have heard it. I wonder if _I_ said something. I don't remember. All I remember is pressing my hand against that tornado, and it sucking me in. 

I felt like a hologram. It was weird. I could see through myself. I'd never felt that before. Even though I had been see through all this time. 

Max looked at me with such anger and such hurt. More anger. I realized it then: Max hated me. It was like he suddenly tapped into what Liz had felt about me for the past year. 

I was suddenly frightened. I had no idea what I was going to. What I was going to see, what I was going to be like. All of those memories, they just faded away. I felt so scared. I just wanted to get down and beg for them to take me back. Beg for them to not hate me. 

But Max walked away and it was too late. 

The fear was overwhelming. I'd been frightened before, but hearing all the whistles blowing, and the Granolith getting ready to take me to this home I'd never even been to. How could I call it home? It was exactly what Michael was saying. I'd just been too blind, my mind too clouded to see. 

Just because it was where we were from, it didn't make it our home. We'd always referred to it as home, but it wasn't. I could feel the vibrations of the pod ready to take me there. 

I clutched my stomach, the only company I had. And the pod was off. I felt it shoot from the mountain. It wasn't bad. Once we were out from the Earth's atmosphere it was really, pretty smooth. 

I had no idea how long this trip was going to be. I had plenty of time to think. But I didn't think. I cried. I wept like I never had before in my life. I could only think of how they would remember me. 

Kyle wouldn't remember me, making him think he had alien powers by changing the channel behind his back. He wouldn't remember going to the prom. He would have no recollection of all those times we were just goofing around, having fun. He would remember that girl who made him think Alex's dead body was luggage and made him dump it in the car. 

And Isabel wouldn't remember the girl who was her friend when she had no friends, outside of Michael and Max. She would wonder why the hell she risked her life to save me. She wouldn't remember girl talking. She wouldn't be able to recall the only other girl who could understand her emotions, her feelings as being not of this Earth. She would remember the girl who killed the boy in which she was in love. 

Liz, god, even Liz and I got along for some time. She wouldn't ever remember Vegas, and us being the only two who got carded. All she would ever remember was the girl, the whore, who stole away her boyfriend, seduced him and got herself pregnant only to fulfill something that wasn't even hers. 

All of them, all they would ever remember would be that terrible Tess. That awful whore who took advantage of her powers. That humanless slut who wouldn't know what compassion was, even if it was staring her in the face. Tess, they wouldn't even say my name. They'd just call me...that alien girl. I doubt they'd even be as kind of calling me a girl. 

I'd known the plan from the beginning. Once we actually found them, I knew what I had to do. Nasedo didn't know there would complications. Damn, he wanted to come back with us. 

And the weirdest thought crosses my mind. Why don't they just go find Ava? You know, build a better Tess. I doubt their protector made deals with the enemy and betrayed everyone. I doubt their protector forced them to do things they didn't want to, hurt people they would never hurt. They would never _want_ to hurt. 

I fell asleep. 

When I woke up, I glanced down at my watch. By the little light I could see that it was Ten o'clock at night in Roswell. I was starving. I hadn't even eaten breakfast at the Valenti's. With the baby, I was having trouble eating much of anything. I figured that I wouldn't be having a feast in my honor. I could only guess that they would be disappointed with me for not bringing the other three with me. 

I was alone, but the fear was lessening. But I was sure it would rise again when we landed. I wondered where I was. _Somewhere in the universe,_ I thought, _Well, no shit, Tess. That was a good solid guess._

I felt more tears coming on as I thought of Max and Liz telling Valenti what I was. I'd ventured in calling him "Dad," and suddenly, I knew I had betrayed him just as much as everyone else. I hurt them all, and you know what? I didn't really think that they cared. 

I let the tears come and I didn't even wipe them away. I killed Alex, but the one who really died was me. I let my mind wander, since my hands weren't wiping any of my tears away. 

"Tess" 

I looked to my left. Sitting there was Alex. _He's just a figment of your imagination,_ I told myself. But hell, there wasn't anyone else to talk to. "Alex." 

"Yeah, you can't do those name greetings. You're the wrong one here." He said. 

"I know." 

"You must feel pretty bad." 

"That doesn't even describe it." 

"They all hate you now." 

"You do too." 

"Nah." 

Well, that took me by surprise. "Nah?" 

He shrugged. "I'm dead. When you're dead there is no pressure. I spent seventeen years trying to fit in and be cool. Then, of course, I realized that was impossible, so I gave up and I was me and, funny, Isabel liked that." 

"You talk to her?" 

"Yeah, when she starts to daydream." 

"Or when she's all alone and wants to just go home and curl up under some blankets and wish her entire life was just a nightmare and just scream to be woke up?" I suggested carefully. 

"I don't hate you, Tess." Alex said, scooting over closer to me, even though the pod wasn't all that big anyway. "When I said that, I meant it. I know what you are, and I know exactly what you did. Hell, I got the butt end of what you did." 

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" 

"No." 

"Okay..." 

"Listen to me. It's all going to be okay. I promise." 

"How's that supposed to happen?" I looked at him. "When I get there, the enemy is going to come and take my baby away from me. Max will find some way to get out here and take my son, our son, back with him. And he'll leave me there without another question. And for another thing, you aren't even real." 

"I'm more real than you think. And if you go back with him, maybe you can get redemption." 

"Oh yeah, you tell him that. He'll listen to you." 

"I'm dead, remember?" 

"Yeah, I remember. I'm the one who fucking killed you. Of course I remember." I felt the tears coming again. I felt so guilty. It's not that I hadn't before, but this was the first time Alex was sitting next to me, _after_ I'd killed him, talking to me. Despite the fact that my mind was telling me he wasn't real, and it was creeping me out, it was pretty damn cool. 

"Yeah, it's not all that damn cool." Alex said. 

"You can read minds when you're dead?" 

He grinned. "Nifty, ain't it?" 

I laughed in spite of myself. "I'm sorry I killed you." 

"I'm sorry I'm dead. But it's too late. It's time to get past it." 

"They'll never get past it. Even if some way I get back. They'll never forgive me. They were always on their toes about me, and the second they relax, I don't even know why I did it all." 

"I didn't know it then, but now I do," Alex said, shifting his weight just slightly, "You are a loyal person." 

"Since when? I betrayed everyone, and I killed you." 

"Okay, let's get past the fact that I'm _dead_. We all know I'm dead, so let's move on. Yes, you killed me and that wasn't fun, believe me, but we're moving past it." 

"All right. Now tell me: how the hell am I a loyal person?" 

"You're loyal. Just to the wrong people. Don't you see? You had loyalties to Nasedo and your loyalty to him reflected his loyalty to the Skins. You are very loyal. You just didn't know when to let go of Nasedo and his dealings. I mean come on, you're smart. When they betrayed _him_ don't you think that would be signal enough that they aren't people to be dealing with?" He looked at me, and anyone would have said it was accusingly, but really, it wasn't. 

"What I saw was that they weren't people to be pissing off." 

He considered this. "That's not bad." 

"Well, at least you think so." 

"Yeah, I'm not much help, now am I?" 

"I wish you were." 

He sighed, "Next time I talk to Isabel, I talk for you." 

"Do you think she'll believe you? I mean, if you are only a figment of my imagination, maybe there is an Alex for every person. You know, a different imagination for each person, a different Alex." 

"This is why I wouldn't be able to talk to Max or Michael, or even Maria or Liz. They don't have that imagination thing going on. They're such realists. Isabel and you on the other hand, see things differently. It's easy to get to you. And no, there's only one Alex. No matter who's imagination I'm invading." 

"What if she doesn't even believe you?" 

"Well, then you're screwed." 

"What if you aren't real and you aren't even going to do that because this is only a dream?" 

"Once again, screwed." 

"That's what I figured." 

"Take out a step of faith, Tess. Maybe figure that I'm real, and I'm going to talk Isabel into taking you back." 

"Max wouldn't take me back." 

"Not as a girlfriend, no, but as a...I don't know. What would he take you back as?" 

"That whore that everyone hates? Everyone needs one of those." 

Alex laughed, "I don't think so. I'll explain everything. They'll like you again." 

"They won't trust me." 

He considered this, "No, I guess they wouldn't. And you know, I really can't blame them." 

"Me either." 

"Listen, you're almost there." 

"I am?" 

"Yeah. Just remember, even if everyone on Earth hates you, I don't." 

"Great. The ghost doesn't hate me. Alex, I'm going to be all alone and who knows what they're going to do to me on this planet. I don't know anything about it except that the water is Jell-O consistency and red." 

"Cherry, my favourite." 

I laughed through the tears that were beginning to form. "Don't leave me." 

He smiled sadly. "I wish I didn't have to, but no one else will be able to see me, and you'll look pretty darn foolish talking to yourself." 

I wiped at my tears. "I just want to go back in time a few months. Before I was pregnant, and when Max and Liz were together, and most importantly, you were alive." 

"You want Max and Liz together?" 

"She loves him. She deserves him. God knows I don't." 

"Obviously," Alex began, "this has shown you that my abilities to visit people beyond my grave isn't limited to Earth. You won't ever be alone. I'll come and visit." 

"What if this is one of those restless ghost things? You know, before their deaths are solved, they're hanging around because they can't move on just yet." 

"Oh. Wow, I never thought of that. But when Kyle regained all of his memory, don't you think that solved it all?" 

"Oh god, Kyle." I pressed my hands into my hair. His words echoed in my mind, _You lived in my home. I thought of you as my sister._ "I've screwed things up beyond repair. Not even that one person thinks of me as anything. I mean, that tone he used...." 

Alex put his hand on my back. "It's okay. If there's anyway I make my way into his dreams, which is kind of scary, I'll let him know that you never wanted to hurt him." 

"Because I never did." 

"I know you never did." 

I felt the pod slowing down. "Oh god, this is it." All that fear I felt while I was in the Granolith came rushing back, as predicted. 

He grabbed my hand, and for a moment it surprised me how real he felt, "It's all going to be okay. I'll be here. Maybe not all the time, but I'll stop by from time to time. I promise." 

"Alex, I really am sorry." 

"I know you are. I forgive you, if that means anything now." 

I pulled him into a hug. "It means the world." 

Suddenly my vision was completely blinded by the light of my new world. I looked back into the pod and Alex was gone. 

"Queen Ava! You have returned!" The voice wasn't speaking English, but I understood what he was saying, "Where are the other three?" 

I wondered if he wanted the long version or the short one. Maybe I would just stick to the one I wouldn't cry through.   
  
  
_I can't remember the last time,   
See, it's been a long time since I've cried   
Like this   
Back before, we had even met   
Somehow I knew   
The sounds of your voice..._

Three more years, six more years to go   
Until I see you again, and here I stand alone   
One more time around, 'til it's time for me to go   
Let me wallow just this once, and drown my sorrows in this glass 

End...


End file.
